so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
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