Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
