Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
You may now shotgun with the bride
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
