you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
