I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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