I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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