I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
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Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
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I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I did not marry a roomba.
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