i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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