i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
