im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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