Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
