hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
did i walk over a car last night?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
