my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Oh god it's open bar.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
