well I can't set my house on fire every night
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
