so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
