Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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