The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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