I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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