just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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