Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
