3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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