last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
