why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
