My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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