the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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