What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
