if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize