I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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