who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
