You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
