sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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