I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
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I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
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I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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