How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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