when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
