I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
