My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
