i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
