I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
