I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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