I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Hello my rib-scented angel!
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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