I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
