my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
He has the fingertips of a God
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