Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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