Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
