At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Did you just see the Batmobile???
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
