Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
my liver is dry heaving
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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