nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
