my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
