Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
