Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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