i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
