My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
