I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
