My sheets look like a crime scene.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
