the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
