It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
