don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
