I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
