i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
