If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
